Whats your funniest belly laughing true story?

[ironsight]

I need a good laugh these days problem is there's not much to laugh at with one catastrophe after another happening lately. So i looked back for some humorous incidents. I suppose laughing can loosely be called a hobby.

Meditation Day at the religious retreat
Think it was 8th grade when we were all corralled up for a field trip to a religious monastery for what was supposed to be a meditative retreat.
The boys were separated from the girls and sent to different grottos for the event.

After a sermon by one of the priests on prayer, reflection and meditation, he required us to be extremely quiet and meditate for a HALF HOUR? He left the grotto and closed the door. It was indeed quiet for this pious event. It was so quiet you could literally hear a pin drop.

All was going well then out of this still quietness, without warning, there was a very very LOUD echoing flatulence squeak!
The laughing and commotion was so loud, the priest heard it outside and came rushing in. He tried everything to quiet us down, the more he tried the louder the laughter got. At some point he finally realized it was hopeless and started laughing himself not knowing the root cause of it all.
What did he think would happen trying to get a bunch of 8th grade boys to be quiet for a half hour?

Duncan, the break thru wonder dog!
My old buddy Duncan had a habit of running up the back porch stairs. One day he ran up those stairs faster than usual and with his 80 pounds of inertia, he couldn't stop in time.
That old dog broke right through the bottom partition of the screen door. He lay on the kitchen floor with the goofiest look on his face.
Instead of being POd having to fix the door now, i laughed and for a few days after too.

Taking notes
Our group had a new manager. A more than serious guy who never cracked a smile. A manager with new silly out of place rules.
During his first staff meeting he required us all to take detailed notes and would randomly pick one of us to refresh the events of the last staff meeting. Now this was kind of a joke as staff meetings previously amounted to brief project updates then a BS session with soda, beer and pizza at the end.

So the next staff meeting we all complied with our notebooks and pencil in hand. That is except John a Chinese Engineer who was sort of a jokester.
He sat there erect with a very serious look on his face eyes glued to the new manager.
There was some snickering, giggling and when i looked at John, his 'note book' was a tiny 1 inch by 1 inch piece of paper!

We all tried to hold it back but it was becoming increasingly impossible. Couldn't help myself, my laughter dam finally broke and let out with a loud belly laugh and most others followed. There were a few with straight faces who didn't think it was funny which made it all the funnier to the rest of us.
The new manager clueless with a serious look kept asking whats so funny? I repeat whats so funny? He finally felt around his face and looked down at his zipper!
The place was up for grabs now.

The department Director whose office was just down the hall even barged in to see what the commotion was all about. After a few minutes he got a contact laugh. That was the last straw for that new manager never even cracking a smile during the mayhem stormed out of the room.
Finding out later the cause of the ruckus, at the next staff meeting he made a brief statement no longer requiring us to take notes.

 

[ironsight]

No one here have any humorous stories? Hard to believe!

 

[DetectorCdunk]

Back when I was younger I did light a fart on fire because my mom had never seen it done before. I had flannel type pyjama pants on and well, it worked along with being half engulfed with a green flame one both thighs.

 

[bigtim1973]

My dad was in the navy during ww2. After he got discharged he jumped on a bus to go to the train station and head home. While on the bus he noticed there was a drunk man up front. The next stop a large lady with a box of baby chickens got on the bus and set at the seat near the wheel well of the bus. She put the box of little chicks next to her on the aisle side of the seat. The bus turned a corner and the box slid off into the floor and baby chickens went everywhere. While several other passengers were trying to help her pick up the little chicks, she was bent over reaching for a little chick on the floor, the bus hit a large bump which caused her to get jarred a bit and the large lady let out a good fart. Everyone was quiet and then the drunk man spoke up and said "that's the way lady, if you can't catch them, just shoot them" Dad said the whole bus of people started laughing. True story.

 

[olfart]

Many years ago I was a court bailiff. During a pretrial hearing, the judge asked a man if he had contacted an attorney as the judge had instructed him to do. The man replied that he had. The judge asked which attorney he had contacted, and the man replied with, "I think his name was Widdersmacker, or Widdersnacker, or something like that." These were close approximations of the name of an attorney we all knew. The District Attorney tried to stifle a chuckle, the court clerk turned red and held her mouth, the District Clerk nearly choked, I was straining to keep a straight face, and the judge looked down at his paperwork. When he finally looked up, the whole courtroom burst into a belly laugh. Then the man looked startled and said, "What did I say?", which brought on another round of belly laughs.

 

[kingingkunsan]

When I was 15 maybe 16 I did like my friend and took up smoking cigarettes. Not wise I know but the story is the funny part. I knew my mom would be furious if she found out. So I always hid the fact from her. When I would come home, she would say "you smell like smoke", I would say "well John (my friend) smokes and that is why". One day I had a hard pack of cigarettes on my dresser and my mom came into my room. She saw the pack of cigarettes and said "what is this" and I said "oh, nothing". She said "I thought you didn't smoke" and I said "I don't (I am a bad person for lying to my mother I know). So, she opened the box of cigarettes and inside was filled with condoms. I was a horny 15-16 year old what can I say? Without missing a beat my mom says "you are not supposed to smoke these". I laughed my butt off.

 

[Probey]

Thanksgiving over my sister inlaw's .outside playing soccer with my kids hands in my pocket dress shoes on went to kick the ball missed slipped on the dead grass went down face first couldn't brace myself . The best part was I was I front of a picture window so everyone inside was witness . So as a gag Christmas gift my wife got me spikes for my shoes.

 

[Dave J.]

In '74 I was living in Oakland CA and rode a BMW motorcycle. My girlfriend was moving to Denver on a budget, didn't have much stuff, and I was overdue for a long putt. So we decided she'd ship her worldly goods to her destination in Denver, then I'd haul her person out there on the motorcycle. She was from the East Bay horsey set, and horsey gals make good bike passengers. They let the horse do the steering, they don't try to help you lean into the corners like most gals do. (For those who don't know, the passenger cannot help, any more than a passenger in a car can help steer the thing.) The appointed day came and we went sailing into the sunrise.

Summertime. We hit Reno about noon. It was 103F. Hit Wendover late afternoon. Next stop, Salt Lake City. This was the days of 55 mph national speed limit. I'm surveying the vast expanse of salt when it suddenly dawns on me: Bonneville Salt Flats, the place where world speed records are set, why am I driving on the highway?

The highway was elevated 10 feet or so above the salt surface so they could build a foundation for the thing to withstand truck traffic, and to guarantee water draining off the road during rain and to make it easier to clear snow. ........I keep thinking. I can't figure any reason not to do it. No keep out signs. No stay on the highway signs. No barbed wire fences, cows don't graze the salt flats. Of course my girlfriend knows nothing of the legends of the salt, nor does she have the slightest clue what bees are buzzing inside my helmet. In another 90 seconds doing 90 mph on the salt, she'll think it was the funnest thing she's ever done.

The left side looks better. There's no oncoming traffic. Nobody behind us either. I slow down to 5 mph, cut across, and then down the embankment.

At the bottom of the embankment, what looked like solid salt was a crust over the drainage ditch. We're suddenly at a dead stop in salt slush up to the axles.

We've all done smart stuff, and stupid stuff. But from that smart to that stupid in a mere 2 seconds, that's my personal best. Even after 44 more years of opportunity to go one better. But I digress.

My girlffriend was a bit puzzled why we were suddenly up to our axles and gastrocnemii in the blazing July sun 20 miles from the nearest sign of civilization other than the highway itself, which for some reason we weren't on. And it turned out to be really hard to explain.

And, we had a problem that needed to be fixed.

I prayed for a parade of Oakland Hell's Angels to thunder into view, see our plight, and somehow rescue us. Another miscalculation. God ignores prayers seeking assistance from Hell's Angels when it's already 103 F, and Hell's Angels probably ignore silly folk standing a foot deep in salt slush next to a BMW R65-S. This was going to be up to us.

We struggled to move the bike. It was hard enough even to move us, standing a foot deep in salt slush. But if there were a way to wrestle this thing back onto terra firma (a 20% uphill slope working against us) it would have to be me. After all, I'm the bike rider, I've extracted bikes from messes before, although not one quite like this. She was strong enough to have righted the thing on pavement had it been laying on its side, but wouldn't have known how to do it.

As it turned out, she had lots of advice on how to proceed. I tried to argue that between the two of us, I was the only one who knew what they were doing, but for some reason she wasn't buying it.

She's dragged horses out of messes. This couldn't be much different. Obvious to her if not to me.

At some point, one of us was going to have to find a way to move the bike into a position 1 inch better, and have it stay in that 1 inch better position long enough to figure out how we were going to move it the next inch. Wrestling a 400 pound motorcycle in the blazing desert sun. After half an hour of that, we got it moved 2 inches, but not in a better position. Wrong kind of progress.

I stopped a moment to gaze at the scenery, of which there was precious little out on the salt flats. But a hundred yards away, there was some poorly maintained snow fencing. I extracted myself from the briny deep and stole a section of the stuff and dragged it back laying it across the ditch next to the motorcycle. In another half hour of wrestling the hapless aluminum and steel victim of my miscalculation, we had it onto the snow fence, and upright. Knocking off caked salt and trying to determine if brakes etc. still worked. No obvious malfunction. I got it started., rode it up the embankment, checked everything out carefully, and we resumed our jornada.

EPILOGUE: My girlfriend was a bit reluctant to find out what I might have up my sleeve next. At the motel in Rawlins she found another traveller headed to Denver. That was the last I saw of her for about 3 years. I did however have a helluva fun putt through Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona, and finally back to Oakland.

 

[Dave J.]

Back when I was younger I did light a fart on fire because my mom had never seen it done before. I had flannel type pyjama pants on and well, it worked along with being half engulfed with a green flame one both thighs.

My Dad had been around the block a few times, and despite not having even a grade school education, the School of Hard Knocks had taught him more than most folks get from a PhD at the University. And he occasionally parted with his gems of wisdom.

One day, it was "Son, never try to fart out a candle." I looked puzzled. "I was in the Army. And one of the most important lessons I learned is if someone dares you to do something, tell them to show you what it is they're daring you to do."

On another day, it was "Son, never try opium." This was before the hippie era, and I was just a 10 year old anyhow. It stuck in my mind because it came out of the clear blue sky without any context, plus the old man wasn't much into prohibiting things.

Fast-forward to Berkeley 1968. A group of friends and neighbors we're spending the evening rapping and grooving. One fellow has scored some opium and passes the pipe around. I've never had it before. It's good schitt, after 3 rounds everyone else is mellow and doesn't want any more. Meanwhile I don't feel a thing and there's plenty left in the pipe. So the fellow says it's all yours now, go for it. After about 10 more hits, I still don't feel a thing, and give up. Although evidently something's a little different, the cat which normally either ignores me or wants to be petted, sits there and just stares at me.

Several years later I'm visiting my dad, and tell him my story about smoking opium. He says, "Son, remember when you were a kid I told you never try opium? Well, that's why. Darn stuff's a waste of money. Johnsons can't get high on the stuff!"

 

[Wrightdigger]

My husband and I went to the fair last year. Got a lemon shake up. Walked and looked at vendors. Went back for ice cream and looked while we ate. Decided to hit up the animal buildings. Started with the bunnies (my favorite). Went and looked at the hogs. We've spent 30-45 minutes at this point. Then, we walked into the beef and dairy barn. My husband, the gentleman that he is, let me go first. As soon as we walked in, some young farmers started walking their calves to show in the other barn. We stepped to the side to let them pass, but there really wasn't much room. About the third calf in, it comes up next to me and decides its time for a BM. The crap starts flying out and I'm really trying to jump further out of the way. I start feeling it splatter on me! You could here the kids laughing as we did an about face and start running to get out of there! We looked like city folk for sure! Made a beeline to the nearest bathroom. Of course its like a quarter mile away! Washed up as best we could and headed to the truck . it was a long ride home. The cab stunk! I literally had crap splattered on me from head to toe!

It was the shortest fair stay ever.
Sorry, we didn't take time to get pics, but those kids may have posted it all over the place. Sometimes all you can do is laugh!

 

[nagant]

Riding with my mother about 1966 we came to a stoplight. The turning lane was on our left with a stock truck full of pigs . We came to a stop and a pig let out a golden stream right into the side of moms head! She couldn't go forward or back so she spun that window crank so fast it broke went the window shut. That was the fastest ride home she ever gave me and she could drive!

 

[terry-cola]

My uncle from Mexico told me this dirty joke that still is the best joke I have ever heard until now. I'm going to try to translate it to English so that you can get it. Well this guy who was horny as hell wanted to try something sexually new. He had tried all positions and sexual behaviors up to that moment. So he goes, to one of the lowest sexual places on the planet( Mexico). He demands in the place something new and they offered him several new sexual positions such as the goat looking at the precipice, the metralladora, but he had already done that. They even offered him some professions, such as the diver, which is a woman jumping from the closet and falling right in place, you know where. However, he had already done that too. So a guy comes out of nowhere and tells him that he knows someone and the place where this lady is doing something new . I don't know what she does, this new guy replies to the horny guy, but they called her the telephonist. So there goes this guy looking for something sexually new taking along his compadre with him. Like everybody does when going to those places. So there's a bar and a room close by where he is going to be attended. After 5 minutes of passing in, the horny guy starts screaming. Ayyyyy!!! Then silence, then again. Ayyyyy!!!. The compadre outside of the room stood up and said what that hell are you doing to my compadre. The bar tender tells him to calm down. A second time scream goes by and again the compadre tries to see what is going on. The bar tender again reminds him that the guy wanted something new, and that he has to calm down. A third scream goes by: Ayyyyy!!!. The compadre pushes the bar tender to the side, opens the door, and screams himself, what are they doing to my compadre!!!. The lady was grabbing the horny guy's dick and kissing it, while saying breaker! Then kisses again and saying breaker! Breaker! The compadre yells to his compadre saying "that's what you are crying compadre. While the compadre replies is, is because now she is talking, wait for her when she wants to hear, she pulls my nuts all the way to her ears.

I hope I nailed it. Regards!!!.

 

[Old Longhair]

I have a lot of funny stories, so I don't know if this is the funniest, but it's a good one.

Years ago I shod horses for an older divorced woman that had four Shires. Shire horses are the biggest draft breed, frequently over 18 hands and over a ton.
Anyway, she also had a variety of fancy chickens that free-ranged. I have a very vivid recollection of one day in particular when I was there working on her horses, the owner was in the house, and the chickens were all over the place, including under the horse I was working on. Those buggers will eat just about anything, and they were after the coconut (shards of hoof wall taken off with a rasp that look like shredded coconut). The horses were used to the chickens and didn't really pay them any attention, and the same could be said about how the chickens viewed the horses. So for the most part all was cool.
Well, as luck would have it, one of the chickens wasn't paying any attention and got his foot stepped on by the horse I was working on. The chicken squawked and ran off, and the horse just stood there like nothing had happened. When he moved that foot again I saw one of the chicken's toes laying there. Then, looking around, I saw little spots of blood on the floor everywhere that chicken had been since it's mishap.

When the owner came out, I didn't want her to think that I'd quicked her horse, so I pointed out the blood spots and told her that her horse had stepped on one of the chickens and pinched off a toe. Sounding surprised she said, "Really?" I then reached down, picked up the toe, and handed it to her.

The look on her face was priceless! I'll remember it 'til the day I die!